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Monday, 31 January 2005

Pants - Of Both The Inside And Outside Variety

*Warning: This story contains tracksuit bottoms. Or more precisely 'Yoga Pants'. Which are tracksuit bottoms for those who used to live in Islington.

**Disclaimer: I do not look like Britney 'ChavHo' Spears in my Yoga Pants. Yes, I realise Yoga Pants are nonetheless ugly. They are however, v v comfortable.

***Note: Some people call pants for the outside 'trousers'. Others call them 'pants'. This can lead to confusion. Just to clarify, Yoga Pants (Tracksuit Bottoms) go on the outside. Some people call pants for the inside 'pants'. Other people call them 'knickers'. I hope you are following.

****Note 2: In this instance the 'washroom' is a brick construction with a bucket inside for throwing water over yourself and going splish-splosh. It is not to be confused with a Western™ version of a washroom, restroom, bathroom, cloakroom, loo or any other variation on the above.

Let Us Begin....I drag myself bleary-eyed to the washroom. The cold muddy water does little to wake me from my half-sleeping state. I fumble about for my clothes, hopping and bopping trying to get into them. It's dark in there. Mushrooms grow out of one of the walls.

I am walking the 50m back to the house through the wide open plains of knee-high grass. I feel something in my Yoga Pants. Something which shouldn't be there. Something big and hard and suspiciously critter-like. Possibly some horrible beetle-thing. It's bumping off my thigh as I walk. What to do?

The house is still too far away to wait till I get home for examination. But I am in full view of all and sundry walking past. I cannot pull down my Yoga Pants in public. But the thing, the thing! The weird hard beetley thing which JUST SHOULDN'T BE IN MY PANTS oh hell what did I do to deserve this?

They have to come down. Screw it, they all think I'm mad anyway. What's a little flashing on a Sunday morning? And at least I am wearing cute knickers.

I yank down the Yoga Pants. And there, tapping away at my thigh, is the toggle from the drawstring of those self-same Yoga Pants, which I have put on inside-out. I yank them back up and run away. Very quickly.