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Wednesday, 1 September 2004

How To Throw A Party

So my friend J asked me for my thoughts on how to throw a successful party. Which led to a top ten tips (except there are only nine). But essentially I was considering the fact that she was throwing the party in a fancy apartment in London. Which got me thinking of the top ten tips for throwing a party here. So taking a list for a soiree in Hampstead, London, what would that list look like for a gathering in the African bush? Compared and contrasted below…
1. Make sure you yourself are at least tipsy before anyone else arrives.
2. They will all be late, so don't panic if you said eight and no-one has showed up at ten. They will.
3. Have one fabulous thing that everyone will remember. I recommend a good jug of cocktail.
4. Make sure you have lots of loo roll. In fact, hide an emergency one in your room for your own personal use. No matter how much you buy it will run out.
5. Have lots of bowls of nibbly things scattered around the room so that people have something to do with their hands. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, Pringles will do. Or Twiglets.
6. At the very beginning when it is just you, Colin from Accounts and Kevin the doorman, be very busy so that they are forced to talk to each other and not look to you as 'the entertainment'. That way when everyone else arrives you are not frozen in the spotlight like a rabbit in headlights.
7. Have good music. Don't be a stereohog, and actively discourage it in others too.
8. Wear fabulous shoes.
10. Have fun!


1. Make sure you yourself are at least tipsy before anyone else arrives.
2. They will all be late, so don’t panic if you said six and no-one has showed up at eight. They will.
3. Calculate how many crates of beer you need, and then multiply by a factor of at least ten.
4. Say goodbye to any plants in the garden that you might be fond of. The men will spend the night pissing on them. (The women will simply increase the power of their phenomenally strong bladders.)
5. Don’t bother making food. Unless it is a whole roast animal, no-one will eat it. Mostly they will poke it about, laughing at what Muzungus eat.
6. You are the entertainment. Drink more, so that you will be able to converse with everyone, despite the language difference.
7. No matter how drunk you get, do not – I repeat, do NOT – treat the fact that you have no stereo as the ideal opportunity to unleash your (awful) singing voice. You will be drowned out by everyone else there, all of whom could give the likes of Charlotte Church a run for her money.
8. Wear tough leather boots to repel snakes, scorpions and stray puddles of wee.
10. Have fun!