Wednesday, 29 September 2004

How To: Make A Cup Of Tea

1. Take kettle to ‘tap’ in kitchen. Turn on tap. Listen to air whooshing through.
2. Take lid off bucket of emergency water. Stare at dust and leaves at bottom of empty bucket.
3. Go to standpipe outside house. Turn on tap. Get drenched by 2-second burst of water and shat on by a chicken, then listen to air whooshing through empty pipe.
4. Take kettle to old oil drum outside bath-house. Peer into bottom of drum at 4 inches of water. Lean over drum taking care not to fall in. Dip kettle in water then haul back into daylight.
5. Remove leaves and dirt from kettle and return to house.
6. Place kettle on gas ring. Strike 6 Zambian matches in succession watching them all flare and die before reaching the gas. Light 7th match which breaks in two, lights gas, and ricochets back to burn arm.
7. Take pliers to metal thing on hob which controls gas (plastic knobs no longer present). Try to reduce gas from bellowing furnace to moderate flame. Listen to gas go ‘phtup’ and go out.
8. Repeat step 6 and leave gas on furnace setting. Wipe sweat from brow.
9. Take mug from hanging place on rusty nail. Empty out dead spider.
10. Go to tap to rinse mug of spider remains, remember (a) no water and (b) water dirty, don’t want in mug.
11. Go to tea caddy. Fish around for teabag and find none, because Husband has finished them off and neglected to tell anyone so that more could be bought. Empty dust and stray tea leaves into mug.
12. Decide spoon of honey would be nice. Take jar down from shelf, brushing off ants stuck to drips, unless extra protein is needed.
13. Put honey in cup. Take sticky spoon to tap to wash it. Remember no water. Put sticky spoon down on work surface. Watch 9 million ants approach.
14. Pour boiling water in mug. Enjoy tea!