Today I am irascible. It is the school holidays and small children are swarming around like ants. At least with ants you can Doom them, or (my personal favourite) sit on the verandah with a G&T and set fire to them with a match. I haven’t dared try this with children. What I need is a sort of Pied Piper chap, one that will lead children, chickens and mice deep into the forest, never to return.